(sometimes) sadness

Achievements unlocked!

Thu, 18 Apr 2024 00:47:50 GMT

I went to my first hour long yoga class today (outside of like the occasional session at a camp or something like that.) It ended up being pretty good! Challenging, and I will absolutely feel sore tomorrow, but good. I think I’ll keep going back to the studio I went to, as I have seven more passes for now, and the people there seemed very relaxed and no-nonsense.

This is a big milestone for me because I grew up pretty adverse to gym class and exercise type activities. I’m from a sporty family, so I’m kind of the odd one out. Being able to sign up for a class like this was a little past my usual comfort zone.

Next thing I need to do is acquire a yoga mat, hopefully made from sustainable materials. This is not a thing I have yet.

I also want to get back into my writing routine. I am hoping the exercise will help me focus more, though of course it will need to be more of a regular habit first.

comments

Saturday Snippets

Sat, 13 Apr 2024 23:27:21 GMT

I worked on some fic today and intend to keep working on it as much as I’m able!

This is Young Royals fic, post-series. I’ve sent August and Nils to Georgetown for university, and Kristina’s come to see them in Washington DC. This may or may not be spoiler-free, so I’m cutting it just in case. Content note for some implied past struggles with disordered eating.

( Read more... )

I hope everyone is having a great evening, and I wish fruitful writing time to all who write!

comments

Updates because we’re trying to make this dreamwidth thing a habit

Wed, 10 Apr 2024 21:15:44 GMT

Some bullet points from the last week or so:

Fanfic: All Young Royals, lately. I am working on the epilogue chapters for Heart and Homeland (trying out a new POV) and a one-shot focused on August, Nils, and Kristina. I might give myself until the weekend or so to finish the one-shot, as the quick dopamine hit of having something to post may do me good, and it’s also good for me to practice shorter form things. Right now what I have down is mostly dialogue. And I’m playing with a setting I love.
Reading: I’ve been stuck in the middle of Don’t Want You In A Best Friend Way and it’s fine but I’m also so not in the mood for historic queer romance where there’s a modern view of marriage-for-love lurking in the background. Maybe a more extended ramble for another time.
Television: I’ve watched the first few episodes of Sort Of season 3 and I’m HERE FOR THEM. Still watching Extraordinary and it continues to be charming.
Cooking/Food: The first grape tomatoes of the year came into the farmer’s market last Sunday! I tried something new and blistered them and ate them in a bowl of kamut with Italian herbs and nutritional yeast. This proved to be a good decision. In other news, I put together some smoothie packs with pear, mango and kale. I don’t tend to eat pear and mango on their own, but blending them into a smoothie with lemon juice, ginger, and matcha powder might be a change of pace. Or it might be vile. We’re gonna try and experiment.
Adulting: I am so behind on my taxes and my FAFSA it’s not even funny.
Teaching: We’re studying Iran in my class now, and I decided to drift away from my textbook and research Iranian women’s movements and then share that information out with my students. Our textbook is pretty decent but it tends to give the Pahlavi shahs credit for promoting women’s rights on their own… without talking about what actual women get up to. And I thought, why not change that? Feels like it’s been a good move so far.
Eclipse: It was cool, and also sometimes you work in a school and twelve year olds are trying to pay their friends 50 dollars to look directly into the sun. Yikes.

How is everyone else doing lately?

comments

April once again proving herself to be the cruelest month

Tue, 02 Apr 2024 18:14:51 GMT

This is just to say that I would like to respond to some comments on here.

And also I have a meta about adultism and class conflict and ADHD and the education system that I want to write and post.

But we were running a fever all day yesterday and now we have to plan for work tomorrow so we can actually be upright and functioning.

*flailing of disorganization and depleted hit points*

comments

My first ever Friday five

Sat, 30 Mar 2024 12:54:32 GMT

Answering thefridayfive’s questions on Saturday morning because I’m going to give this a go! This was kind of a weird one because I’m in the middle of making some dietary adjustments/being more careful about my dietary restrictions and sensory sensitivities. I often found that these issues of accessibility impacted how I responded to the questions more than personal preferences.

I tried, though. Look I’m doing socializing on dreamwidth!!!

1. Rice or potatoes?

Potatoes, especially sweet potatoes, although I hardly ever want to cook them myself. I end up eating brown rice more.

2. Fish or red meat?

Fish. I’m pescatarian, and usually eat vegetarian or vegan, but I still occasionally have fish/seafood (made by family members or restaurants) because it’s part of the culture I grew up in.

3. Salad or cooked vegetables?

This is a tough question because I dislike both equally if they’re prepared with a texture I have a sensory aversion to. Prepared well I think cooked vegetables have a slight edge (roasted-to-crispy and seasoned brussels sprouts can be incredible, and I love a good vegetable soup in the winter.)

4. Cake or ice cream?

Ice cream sometimes has hidden eggs in a custardy way that tears up my stomach. So, cake. Because the eggs in cake have chemically changed in a way that hurts me less.

5. Water, soft drink, wine, beer, or hard alcohol?

Water. Alcohol interacts with my meds so I’ve stopped drinking, and I’ve been moving away from soft drinks too. Although if iced tea had been an option…

comments

Spring break media updates

Mon, 25 Mar 2024 14:08:00 GMT

I haven’t done one of these in a while, so here are some (non-YR) media updates for the last month or so:

I read A Study in Drowning by Ava Reid and liked most of it. Very interesting worldbuilding, very focused dark academia horror fantasy, compelling enough protagonist. Some mid 20th century vibes, which I always enjoy. What I liked most about it was the way Reid conveyed academic passion and drive, and how she grappled with the questions of learning not-so-good truths about favorite authors.
We’re currently reading A Tempest of Tea for my monthly book club and I’m having the most difficult time staying focused on the characters and what’s happening. Usually I like books that deal with colonialism in some way. (One of the jokes about me in my book club is I’m always the one who brings up colonialism in my analysis.) Maybe I’ll feel differently about this story by the time I get to the end of it?
There was an African film festival playing locally and I went to see an Algerian movie (a historical epic) called The Last Queen. It was my first Algerian movie ever, and while I didn’t like it as much as I did say, Chevalier I did really get into the costumes and fights and cultural pieces and such. This movie also featured a number of languages—including, surprisingly, Finnish—and I do love a good multilingual film.
heliza24 got me to watch the first two episodes of Extraordinary and it was cute, so I should probably keep watching.
The roommate and I are watching a Cold War documentary on Netflix right now, and what you have to understand is that the roommate and I treat documentaries as an opportunity to make constant commentary. “Can’t believe we named our airport after the sketchy CIA guy.” “They’re going to embalm Stalin’s body because of fucking course they are.” “Wow, the Bay of Pigs was really the FyreFestival of covert operations.” Gaydies and gentlethems, why are we like this?

Those are my updates for the moment. What are the rest of you all enjoying right now? Anyone else looking forward to Interview with the Vampire and Heartbreak High coming back?

comments

Two decisions I liked in YRS3

Sat, 23 Mar 2024 16:04:19 GMT

Today I want to talk about two decisions made by Lisa and the other Young Royals Season 3 writers that I really liked. This is an analysis post, to some extent. In line with my new priorities, I also want to talk about how these decisions could work on a craft level to fuel my creativity, and—more fannishly—where they might leave me with inspiration in my fanfiction. Because everything from here on out is spoilers, I am going to put it all behind a cut.

( Read more... )

comments

Almost break! Time for an update… with priorities

Fri, 22 Mar 2024 10:13:24 GMT

The other day I popped up briefly on the other site to let people know I was alive, but that I was trying to reevaluate my relationship to the site in question. I made a list of priorities that’s guiding me moving forward. I thought I’d list those priorities here, in a modified way, to make them “official.”

Here’s the list:

I want to spend more time creating. The thing that has always brought me the most genuine joy in this fandom is writing fic. YRS3 ended in a place of possibility for so many characters, and I want to keep writing about them and learning about them that way. One of my goals is to cut down on browsing time significantly so that I spend more time writing, especially so I can finish Heart and Homeland. I think it’ll make me happier.
I want to spend more time helping others create. Some of the most meaningful experiences I had in this fandom involved being a beta reader or hearing out another person’s fic ideas, and getting to live in that space of creation and collaboration. For that reason, I’d like to still make new YR connections on occasion, especially with people who wanna share their writing process with me. The other site may or may not be a place to do that. I’m still figuring out where that all should happen.
I want analysis to be something I do as part of my creative process, and that’s it. I don’t know if this is fully true, but it felt like ten years ago there was more fandom meta focused on what fans wanted to write in their fanfics, and how their interpretations of canon led to them creating cool art. There was some meta that was about how to interpret canon “correctly” but that wasn’t the priority. Now, it feels like—and this is true even outside of YR fandom, so this is no reflection on YR specifically—there is more emphasis on having the “correct” interpretation of canon. About getting it right, and having the right predictions and interpretations. It feels competitive in a way that wears me down. From this point forward, when posting analysis, I’m going to ask myself, is this furthering my creative pursuits and my understanding of the writing process more generally, or am I just trying to win an argument? If the answer is just to win, then I’m not going to post my argument. That runs counter to my goals.
I don’t want to engage in any space where anonymous discourse flourishes. Turns out one of the biggest triggers for my anxiety and shame are extensive, heated conversations where I don’t know who is saying what and who I can trust. Spaces where there’s a lot of anon conversation are probably going to be ones I block and unfollow first moving forward. It just seems like a good baseline for how I engage.

Thanks for reading, reader friends. Watch this space for… well. Hopefully some creative work and or creativity-oriented analysis. And maybe a fanmix! I am close to be done on a fanmix. We still do those, right?

comments

I HAVE SEEN THE FINALE I CAN FINALLY POST ABOUT YRS3

Tue, 19 Mar 2024 02:46:35 GMT

Okay, it’s time for Young Royals finale thoughts! These are initial impressions, and it’s going to be full of spoilers. I am mostly focusing on the stuff that’s positive for me, here. We can do nitpicks and deconstructions and deeper analysis later about things that can be fixed or tweaked, but for now, here are just the things that fill my heart with love about the finale.

( Read more... )

comments

One day to go

Sun, 10 Mar 2024 13:19:06 GMT

It’s almost here! Tomorrow we get the first five episodes of the final season of Young Royals! I don’t know if I’m ready, but I don’t know if I ever will be.

I want to be able to do one of those beautiful, descriptive posts about how I found the show for the first time, and what I felt like watching it. The kind of post that transports you back to that first moment of realizing something matters to you, that you’ve fallen in love with it a little bit or even a lot.

I don’t know if I have that post in me, today. In part because work has swamped me with paperwork and preparation for classes, in part because it’s daylight savings time, in part because the hormones are doing things and I feel a bit like a wrung-out washcloth right now. Attempting such eloquence in these times isn’t always easy, and even if I manage it, it isn’t always authentic. On Friday night, I could feel my capacity to speak was pretty diminished overall, so I’ve been spending the weekend trying to rest up enough that I can hold onto that.

There’s also a part of me that wants to talk about how watching Young Royals has become important to me, but that’s not half so important to me as doing Young Royals. Some of this doing involves actual life stuff, like how connecting with Sara Eriksson’s character gave me the confidence to finally get the AuDHD diagnosis I missed in childhood. Or the way Young Royals drove my interest in looking at nuance and justice and flawed characters as part of my MFA research.

But there’s also the usual fandom things, like talking about theories, and making friends. Getting to connect with sillyunicorn6154 and margotdanslebois and some other, safer people on the other site. Getting to send post cards to one of my friends on the other site. (I miss sending post cards.) Getting to know starvalisedham here. Getting to read sflow’s fanfics and talk to them about their work. Getting to be a beta reader for BriseisGotAway with Freedom Drafted and talk a lot about how individual lines and voice and dialogue work. I loved doing that!

And then there’s writing my own fics, and deepening my already existing friendship with heliza24 and knowing that we have become better writing partners over time. We really created something special when we wrote Heart and Homeland. I know it made me a better writer, and that it made me try things I wasn’t bold enough to do. We’re still going to finish our epilogue chapters—we’ve plotted it all out and have been writing our final scenes—but I know I need season 3 as that final nudge to get me over the finish line. I am planning a longer retrospective post when Heart and Homeland is done that goes into all of this, so I’m saving my words for that moment. In the meantime, know that my heart is full with the joy that creating that story has brought me.

Now, as for season 3? I find that I’m going into the new season with a lot of hope and curiosity. I don’t really want to say what the curiosity or hope is about because it changes, and I find I want different things for different characters by the hour. I also find that I’m going into it with a feeling of yearning or longing for something impossible in the past, or in an alternate universe. Or maybe it’s a different feeling, one of those ones they label with non-English words like hiraeth or saudade. It’s a feeling that’s heavy in my stomach, and perhaps a cousin of grief. Whatever happens, though, I’m glad Lisa pulled us along into her story and that we get to see the end she envisioned for it. As someone who almost has my MFA in youth lit, I’m so interested to see what this show contributes to the tradition of writing about teenage characters. I know a lot of people who don’t watch Young Royals, and admittedly I imagine that after season 3 drops, they will still not have watched it. But I also imagine that ten years from now, we will be seeing the influence of YR in so many new works.

Too many emotions and not enough eloquence? Perhaps. This is really just word salad at this point. We’ll see what new feelings and ideas season 3 brings up in me.

comments

ok one more fully unhinged optimally timed avocado thought for the road

Fri, 08 Mar 2024 02:51:11 GMT

what she says: I’m fine

what she means: SARA ERIKSSON GIVING AUGUST HORN AN AWKWARD LITTLE ARM PUNCH IN AN ATTEMPT TO MAKE A SITUATION SOLIDLY PLATONIC BUT THEN EVERYTHING LEAPS SO FAR OFF A CLIFF AND BECOMES NOT EVEN REMOTELY PLATONIC BUT RATHER A WHOLE OTHER SERIES OF PHILOSOPHICAL DIALOGUES LOST TO TIME. THE UNIVERSE IS CONTAINED IN THAT AWKWARD LITTLE ARM PUNCH AND I AM ONE WITH THE UNIVERSE.

(And also good for Sara Arrhusius’ intimacy coordinator work, for like, making the case that closed-mouth kisses can be just as worth screentime as open-mouthed ones. Thanks. Y’all I am deeply aspec but I have feelings about this.)

comments

vibrating a little bit as I post this

Fri, 08 Mar 2024 01:27:49 GMT

I just left heliza24’s house.

Next time I return to her house, WE WILL BE WATCHING YOUNG ROYALS SEASON 3.

How is that even REAL.

comments

Reminders

Mon, 04 Mar 2024 23:04:50 GMT

As for reasons why I’m doing YR fannish things in the largely uncharted territory of Dreamwidth… well, I saw something out in the wild that reminded me of why today. The five mains did a little promo video answering Q and A, and one of the questions was what are your character’s red flags and green flags. Maybe because of the way the video was edited, or maybe because the actors just forgot, they didn’t give Simon a red flag or Sara a green flag. And some fan in the comments on YouTube said that was correct, that Sara was all red flags and Simon was all green ones. In a conversation where even August got a green flag!

Sadly this is a pervasive viewpoint in fandom, and that’s what I’m running away from. I personally think it’s far less interesting to read the show as The Ballad of Saintly Martyr Simon Eriksson And His Unclean Jezebel Sister, but what do I know?

comments

why the Simon-August chemistry in S1E3 slaps so hard

Sun, 03 Mar 2024 18:23:08 GMT

Here’s a less stream-of-consciousness thought about YR S1E3:

Something I know from the private school world is that a parents’ weekend (or an event like it) isn’t just for visiting your kid and seeing some of the activities they do and maybe taking them out to dinner or home for the weekend. Yes, the rhetoric of these events will always focus on the great education and experiences at the school, and how these will shape your kid into a responsible adult who will make you proud and carry on your legacy. Dig into the subtext a bit, however, and the school principal’s polite cough at the end of her speech is a reminder to dig out your credit card. Events like these are ultimately fundraisers—even though they may not be called that in a direct way—and focused on getting donations from wealthy stakeholders.

What’s interesting about this fundraiser atmosphere is it puts both Simon and August in an outsider position, one where they feel threatened and act in ways that are erratic and dramatic.

With Simon, it’s more obvious as to why he feels that threat—he’s a working class, POC kid with an immigrant mom, and he doesn’t live on campus. The car his family pulls up in sticks out right away, and it’s clear that when Linda sits down with the Ehrencronas for lunch that they’re all used to different social cues as dictated by their class background. Simon, according to the Hillerska code of values, however, has “earned his place” there through merit and hard work in the choir, on the rowing team, during classes, etc. While this hard work is very real on Simon’s part, we also know that he isn’t 100% pure moral diligence. He’s been reaching out to the math teacher for tutoring (a system highlighted as corrupt in earlier episodes) and not telling his mom about it, for instance. He also secretly helped August to acquire alcohol for Wille’s welcome party by reaching out to his estranged father. If I remember correctly, August names Simon’s place on the rowing team as payment for the alcohol, which also makes Simon’s role on the team a troubled one regardless of how diligent he is about showing up to practice. Simon does work hard and takes pride in that, and the barriers he has to overcome are real ones, but we can see Hillerska grinding him down and forcing him to betray his values behind the scenes. Rosh and Ayub even bring this up to him.

August, meanwhile, has his position at school threatened by his family’s financial situation—they’ve run out of money and August may have to leave Hillerska because he can’t pay his boarding fees. August’s nobility and closeness to the royal family still gives him a lot of social power, which he gleefully abuses, but ultimately when it comes down to dollar signs (or in this case, kronor) the school doesn’t care if he can’t pay what he owes. And what better event than a fundraiser for throwing that reality in August’s face and causing him to panic? What’s also interesting is that the episode also puts August’s own hard work on display, however problematic (in the academic sense) it may be in its depiction. As a prefect he’s working to advise the school staff on seating arrangements for the parents’ weekend lunch, and when he’s at lunch, he’s talking very animatedly about his plans to modernize Årnäs and make it run well again. August does seem to enjoy organizing people and places, and I find myself wondering what that could look like in a different context, and not our current one of him being the heir to Årnäs and getting caught up in power games. Could he be successful—or perhaps even happier—as an event planner, or a museum director? As it is, though, we can also think about how the show is sort of like… making August’s work visible in a way that almost feels like a faux pas to people of his class. You aren’t supposed to think about how the tables ended up in the right place, they should just be in the right place when you arrive for lunch. Årnäs isn’t supposed to need repairs or modernizing or maintenance because the point is preserving a timeless legacy that never changes. The visibility of the tasks needed to maintain the class hierarchy calls attention to the class hierarchy as a social construct, and therefore something that can be deconstructed, too. Blah blah blah Blue stop being a Marxist.

There’s a commentary worth exploring here on the nature of work itself. How to some extent the type of work you do feeds into your social class, but then the social class you’re in dictates what work is “acceptable” for you to pursue or be seen doing by others. And I’m just going to leave this here to see if anyone else has thoughts on it, because I’m distracting myself.

ANYWAY. When it comes to the showdowns between Simon and August in this episode, I’m struck by what these scenes reveal. They show us how Simon has already become messily entangled with the quid pro quo of Hillerska culture, even if he doesn’t always do so 100% willingly, and how he’s starting to lie to his family to cover it up. Meanwhile, August gatekeeps Simon and lashes out at him not from a place where he feels secure in his status, but from a place where he’s feeling insecure about it and will do anything to feel some sense of stability. And both of them are desperate, scrambling boys who run into one another at the worst possible moment, leading to their fight. It’s a beautiful fusion of character arc and pacing that makes me so excited to watch them every time.

In conclusion: this is part of why the chemistry between Simon and August slaps so hard in this episode.

But also: get a job, August. Preferably one at that horse farm where Adam Groff worked in Sex Education. You can bring Rousseau.

comments

Young Royals Rewatch: S1E3 (unhinged phone dictation edition, Friday night’s notes)

Sun, 03 Mar 2024 16:34:23 GMT

Alright, comrades. I am in the middle of Grade All The Things weekend and I am about to start my rewatch of Young Royals season one episode three. This is my break during grading. We’re also less than two weeks out from the finale, and they keep dropping still images. Like at this point the season is gonna be a flipbook. I just need them to take pity on my constitution. I’m feeling a lot of emotions and I don’t know how to deal with them.

Episode three is my favorite in both seasons, and I could give intellectual reasons for that. Ultimately however this just comes down to August being one of my tragic problematic faves. I’ve been obsessed with his arc since, if not day one, at least day three of being a Young Royals fan. I fell quick and it’s not pretty.

Dreamwidth, it was nice knowing you. I am certain season three episode three, will leave me dead just like both previous episode threes did.

( Read more... )

comments

Stray thoughts of the evening

Fri, 01 Mar 2024 02:31:17 GMT

Here are my stray thoughts, in a bulleted list:

I think I’d like to do more beta reading for fanfiction. Not spelling and grammar check (I’m bad at those) but helping people with story structure and development. I love writing my own stories but it’s just as magical to play midwife to someone else’s. Maybe this is something I can seek out more.
I have this half-formed post in the back of my head about how it feels like meta in fandom used to be something that fed into the creative process, but now it doesn’t feel like that as much anymore. Maybe I’ll find the words for it and maybe I won’t.
I have entirely too many grades to do over the next 72 hours.
It is better to be Here than There, but nonetheless, missing people sucks. This could be a theme of multiple chapters of my life.
Missing people sucks but eggplant and lebne spread on rice cakes doesn’t. At least there’s eggplant and lebne spread.

Good night, Dreamwidth. Sleep well!

comments

Fanfic rec: Årnäs, February 2016

Thu, 29 Feb 2024 02:10:42 GMT

It’s time for me to turn off screens so I can wind down for the night, but also all I want to do is reread Sflow’s Årnäs, February 2016 again and again and again.

If you’re someone who’s interested in really thoughtful pre-canon explorations of August and his family dynamics, you should read it too and leave it kudos! It will rip your heart up in the best, most well-written ways possible.

comments

Am I just going to spam this journal with some unfinished fic I wrote before YRS2? Absolutely

Tue, 27 Feb 2024 01:50:02 GMT

Long before season 2 aired, I was trying to figure out what form sargust would take, and what Sara and August’s arcs would be like. So I did a whole lot of writing about it—just trying to figure out their brains and what they think of one another.

I also had this one idea where it turned out August’s mother was Kristina’s unfortunate romance from her teenage years, and that ended up playing a role in the cover-up of the video. And meanwhile Sara is on an elaborate self-assigned spy mission to make August fall for her and get revenge on him. August doesn’t know it yet.

There’s some weirdnesses and some inaccuracies. I assumed middle names were a thing in Sweden when they aren’t, really. At any rate, it’s an interesting study in what I wrote early, early on before I was ever on social media for this show.

Content note for toxic masculinity and disordered eating, I suppose. And the usual YR subject matter.

( Read more... )

Thank you for joining me on this journey through my early fandom days!

comments

Some incomplete thoughts on last week’s Abbott Elementary

Mon, 26 Feb 2024 22:24:08 GMT

Going to do something I don’t usually do and comment on sitcoms in this post… I didn’t watch last week’s Abbott Elementary until last night, but the episode’s still sticking with me. Even though I teach in a very different educational setting than Abbott, there’s parts of that episode that really hit home. I’ll explain why beneath the cut.

( Read more... )

comments

Sunday updates

Sun, 25 Feb 2024 14:10:41 GMT

Here’s some stuff going on this weekend:

I made curry yesterday. I used coconut milk and Thai red curry as the base, and added sweet potato, broccoli, red pepper, and cashews. I could still improve on the recipe (it needs ginger) but I’ve got multiple servings in the freezer.
Spices from the brand I like best were on sale, so I got all three curry blends that I saw, an Italian herb blend, and more salt-free everything bagel sprinkle. One of my favorite ways to self-accommodate is to get spices and herbs pre-mixed, because it vibes more with how I cook and saves me time. My goal is to gradually bring together a selection of regional blends from around the world.
Between recapping YR and writing more of our fic, I made heliza24 both laugh and cry yesterday. Truly proud of myself. It’s inspiring me to recap YR S1E3 (my favorite s1 episode!) and write more fic today…
But also, I have grading and planning to do. And I do not want to do it. Ever. We’re going to have to work out a system to give myself motivation. Why must teaching involve so much stuff outside the classroom?

The most exciting news of the day is: I am doing my first ever paid tarot reading today! This is a chance to try it out and see if I like it. I am now at a point in my readings where I feel confident enough that I can do them for money, but I haven’t set up a full side-hustle yet because of the way it involves so much self-promotion and social media marketing and all that nonsense. Also the word “side hustle” gives me hives. But getting to connect with people and talk them through their various Things with the help of my friendly cards? That’s always been fulfilling for me. I like that part.

comments

Young Royals Rewatch: S1E2 (unhinged phone dictation edition)

Sat, 24 Feb 2024 15:34:19 GMT

All right, we’re back! Hello, comrades. we are going to watch Young Royals season one episode two this morning. I’m getting a little ahead because it’s the weekend and I know my weeks get a little chaotic.

I decided last night that when I do this, my goal is not to sound intellectual or put together. I spent a lot of my time doing that on previous social media and it was just putting a lot of pressure on myself. Now I’m just gonna kind of lean into my first impressions and where my emotions are taking me and all my weird little rambling tangents. I think there’s value in me seeing that and reading it and recognizing it as part of my experience of watching the show. Who knows, maybe they’ll be some fanfic ideas in there? Or, I don’t know maybe I’ll just be funny. (Maybe I’m not funny.) But you will get more of a sense of what it’s like for me in the moment as I’m watching. Though, obviously this transcript is still edited for clarity.

Also, we’re in episode two now. Horror movie night happens in this episode. The first kiss between Wilhelm and Simon happens in this episode. Sara and August also talk for the first time. Yes I will have thoughts. I am the weird girl who has plushies of sargust, alright?

So I am just going to hit play and we’ll see where this takes us.

( Read more... )

That’s all for now. I hope everyone is having a good weekend so far!

comments

Young Royals Rewatch: S1E1 (unhinged phone dictation edition)

Sat, 24 Feb 2024 00:46:44 GMT

Hello comrades! I am dictating to my phone right now in a minute I am going to open up Netflix and start my rewatch of Young Royals S1E1. I don’t anticipate pausing much so I’m just going to dictate to my phone incoherently. That way you know you get the most spontaneous, the most emotive, and frankly, the most autistic interpretation. So thank you for coming along for the ride and I will talk to you when I post this on dreamwidth. Hej då!

( Read more... )

See you next time for S1E2!

comments

But is being a prince really such a good idea? Utena and Young Royals as companion texts

Tue, 20 Feb 2024 22:37:09 GMT

When I was thirteen years old, I got adopted by the anime kids at my school. They started me out not on Ranma 1/2 or Sailor Moon, as was common in the 1990s, or even Fushigi Yugi, which still less common but still something that happened if you were in a friends circle particularly gifted in fansubs. Instead, I sat down one day on my living room floor (my parents weren’t home yet) and began watching a loaned VHS copy of Revolutionary Girl Utena.

Watching that opening sequence felt like getting away with something. I took in the fairy tale imagery and the colorful spinning roses, recognizing the word “revolution” in an otherwise Japanese theme song, and suddenly realized… I was watching a show about girls in love with one another. My friends and I may not have called Utena and Anthy “lesbians” out loud when we discussed the show (and we didn’t even have the word sapphic in our vocabulary at that point) but somehow I knew, in my gut, that this was their love story. I had a vague sense of my own queer identity that I felt too scared to voice at the time, but watching Utena let me feel it, at least.

Since that first day with Utena so long ago, it has become one of my forever fandoms and remains highly influential to me in my creative life. It was the first piece of fiction I remember that introduced me to Audre Lorde’s idea that you could not dismantle the master’s house with the master’s tools. Most of the books and cartoons I grew up with offered female protagonists, but claimed that giving a girl pants and/or a weapon and making her “not like the other girls” was enough to make her empowered. Utena was the first time I remember a story that questioned that idea while still asserting that Utena’s gender non-conformity was right for her. In addition, Utena was one of the first works that helped me appreciate weirdness and surrealism, and led me to believe that heavy themes are absolutely worth tackling in the fiction I write.

Flash forward to 2021 when I first watched Young Royals, a Swedish teen drama I did not expect to take over my life. You can pitch Young Royals to someone by stating the plot points—boy meets prince, they fall in love, monarchy is now in jeopardy—but that won’t tell you everything about the careful way the show comments on adolescence, privilege, the class system, gender, neurotype, and so many other relevant topics. YR is written and acted intelligently, and it gives its audience a lot of room to think. As I fell deeply in love with the world of YR, I kept thinking to myself, wow, this show reminds me of Utena. I knew my love of Utena was feeding into my love of YR, and helping me to interpret what I saw onscreen.

So without blathering on too much longer, I thought I’d break down some of the similarities and differences between the two shows, which will hopefully make the case as to why every fan who can should watch both:

Similarities

Both shows use school settings as a commentary on society at large. YR primarily takes place within the insular boarding school world of Hillerska, and all the action of Utena all occurs within the sprawling (but stifling) campus of Ohtori Academy. I love educational settings as a microcosm! Each school has a hierarchy accentuated by class and gender, wherein certain students are elevated and others are put down. While adults are more present onscreen in YR, the presence of the adult world is still felt in both fictional worlds and puts additional pressure on the teenage characters to behave in certain ways.
Both have incredibly complex characters. I would elaborate here but it would just be a long list of me gushing about absolutely every character on both shows and what makes them unique. Instead, let me just say this—there are so many characters in both shows who lean into messy decision making. And yet you understand where each character comes from, and the more their backstory unfolds, the more compelling they become.
Both shows dive into gender roles, feminine and masculine, and how they can be used to constrict us. Utena is about more than a girl who fights with a sword and calls herself a prince, and Young Royals is about more than a boy who expresses tender feelings. Each show examines the negative impact of patriarchy on people of all genders, showing how girls are often held to impossible madonna/whore standards while boys are often socialized into behaviors involving sexual aggression and violence. Both shows make the case that it is worth fighting back against these currents in our societies.
Both do not ignore sex and sexuality as a part of adolescence. And both shows get misinterpreted and have been criticized (unfairly) because of it. YR is slightly more likely, in my opinion, to show teens having positive sexual experiences alongside more negative and neutral ones. But I also feel like that might be related to the time periods in which they were written.
Both deal with themes of abuse within families. Many of the characters in both shows have dealt with abuse, which then impacts how they move through their relationships at school. In YR, for instance,we know for sure that the Eriksson siblings have grown up in an abusive home, and that this affects how Sara and Simon move through life. Utena, as a series, is fairly open about confronting CSA and incest as forms of abuse, which is something YR doesn’t do as much. However, I don’t get the sense that YR is ignoring these realities, just choosing not to focus on them in their more limited episode time.
Both (as of now) suggest that contests and false choices perpetuate systems of oppression. Who is worthy of being engaged to the Rose Bride? Should Wilhelm or August get the throne? Get too caught up in that debate and you’re prevented from asking whether the monarchy or the dueling system should exist in the first place. You’re also distracted from the physical toll and threats our heroic characters have to endure as they attempt to reform or challenge these systems. Utena tries to put herself on top of the dueling system to protect Anthy, the Rose Bride, and let her be a normal girl, but that system is ultimately intent on destroying them both to keep patriarchy going. Wilhelm and Simon could theoretically become king and prince consort, but what toll would that take on their relationship or their plans for the future? Now admittedly, YR still has a season 3, so we don’t know what the status of Wilhelm being king is, and whether he’ll choose to leave it behind. But the show has frequently called attention to the challenges of reforming the monarchy from within and how it stays entrenched by its old traditions. I’m willing to revise my thoughts here depending on the show plays out!
Both play on the idea that fairy tales are darker at their core. Want to fall in love with a prince, or be a prince? There’s a cost to that. Both shows play with the idea of the prince as a persona and then proceed to deconstruct that persona. Both Utena and Wilhelm end up as princes in a moment of deep traumatic grief, even though Utena becomes a “prince” by choice and Wilhelm becomes one by birth. Yet the prince role and the power that comes with it is not what gives them the opportunity to heal from that grief. At times they are both compelled to “rescue” those they love, but the narrative cautions them about how that act of “rescue” can involve seizing power within a corrupt system and having that backfire.
Both have an epic queer love story at their heart. I mean, come on. Utena and Anthy? Wilhelm and Simon? Both worth sobbing into one’s hands over. And both of these pairings emphasize choosing what is true and authentic over what is fake, and walking away from the people and systems that would harm us.

Differences

YR is has a main mlm couple, Utena has a main wlw couple. Admittedly, both of them engage with queerness beyond the love story between their primary power couples. I bring this up mostly because people carry different assumptions about mlm shows vs wlw ones, and this may need to be unpacked in a future meta.
Utena is surreal, YR is realistic. The shows have completely different ways of delivering their message. Every episode of Utena is interrupted by a theatre troop of moralizing shadow puppet girls, offering metaphor-laden commentary. You’re likely to see episodes where characters switch bodies or someone turns into a cow. Young Royals, meanwhile, has the texture of real life. The teenage characters have acne, and their rooms are cluttered. Characters re-wear favorite items of clothing and put ketchup on their spaghetti. Both of these approaches pack an emotional punch—YR because the world feels lived in, Utena because it’s like something you’ve dreamed and just woken up from—but they look so different in practice that it’s easy to miss everything Utena and YR have in common.
Utena handles triggering material differently than YR does. This is probably because it was an animated show created in the mid 1990s whereas YR is a Netflix series written now. Standards were/are different for what you do and don’t show onscreen. For this reason, I can absolutely respect someone’s decision not to engage with either show, based on how each show engages with various triggers. One show of the two might be too much for some people and that’s fine.
The shows come from different cultural contexts, presented to an international audience who might not grasp the nuances of each without additional explanation. Obviously, Sweden and Japan are different countries with different social codes. A Swedish production and a Japanese production are going to address different cultural values and questions of the moment. So obviously when you get into the details, there’s some important differences between the works for that reason alone.
They have seemingly different fanbases? Seemingly. But I feel like there’s room for nuance here, and I think they have more in common at first glance than you’d think. (Disclaimer: I do not believe either of the stereotypes I’m going to discuss, I’m just trying to tease something out.) The stereotype of Utena fans is that we are mean pretentious art school symbolism junkies, and the stereotype of YR fans is that we are… I’m not sure. Milquetoast uwu tenderqueers who just wanna see cute boys in love? These stereotypes in turn affect people’s perceptions of the shows in question, and deeply unfairly, too. But, look. As an Utena fan, my heart has so often melted over the love Utena and Anthy have for one another, complicated and painful as it may be at times. I absolutely ship it. And as a YR fan, I have absolutely engaged in my pretentious art school side, because the are miles and miles of symbolism and complex writing for people to chew on. Those curtains are blue and they are also meaningful. I really do think we have more in common than we don’t.

Anyway… remember when I talked about false choices, like Wilhelm vs August, or who gets to be engaged to the Rose Bride? Utena versus Young Royals is a false choice of its own.

The internet is inevitably going to turn this into a Flint vs Stede battle, because the internet was a mistake. I hope I have proven by now that Utena and YR fans should watch one another’s shows together, and discuss them, and then plot the revolution together. The word “revolution” shows up in key songs for both shows, anyway. Maybe we should take it as a message.

comments

take my revolution / let’s start a revolution

Tue, 20 Feb 2024 11:22:46 GMT

Oh no. It has come to my attention that someone has put Utena and Young Royals against one another in a poll and people think they are polar (poll-ar?) opposites who should fight. Do they not see that such combat itself is a tool of the patriarchy?

The world is NOT READY for the story of how my unhinged love of Utena as a middle schooler actually laid the groundwork for my love of Young Royals. Young Royals and Utena are not enemies. Utena is the butch (gruff, yet comforting) art teacher with pink hair and Young Royals is the newly out high school student who is always eating lunch in her art room and asking her what it was like to live in New York before gentrification.

THEY ARE SUPPORTING ONE ANOTHER IN THIS BLEAK WORLD. Do not hurt them by making them a false choice.

comments

Media Updates, February 2024

Mon, 19 Feb 2024 21:15:29 GMT

Some media I have engaged with over the past fortnight:

Kin: Rooted in Hope by Carole Boston Weatherford, with art by Jeffrey Boston Weatherford. This is YA nonfiction in verse about the author researching her family’s history, especially in regards to the legacy of slavery. This was a meaningful read, especially since Weatherford’s family lived in the area roughly where I grew up. While I learned about slavery in school generally, I didn’t always learn about the specifics of what it was like in my region of the country, or the stories of specific people, which made slavery seem very distant and unconnected to the present day. This book counteracts the narrative of slavery as faceless suffering, and does so meaningfully.
Most Ardently: A Pride and Prejudice Remix. This was a YA rewrite of Pride and Prejudice where a trans Bennet brother named Oliver is in the Elizabeth role. Unfortunately, it didn’t end up being my thing. It may well be someone else’s thing! I appreciate that the author did work to look into the queer history of the regency era, and reconstruct it where possible. At the same time, the characterization of a lot of the secondary characters could have used more dimensionality, and the plot just sort of… did a lot of things at the end. Oh, and there were myths about stays, Bridgerton-style. I will always comment on the myths about stays.
Chevalier (2022). A biopic about black composer Joseph Bologne, Chevalier de Saint-Georges. The best kind of biopic, that focuses on a specific moment in the character’s life and tells a story about it. In short, THAT MOVIE SLAPPED. I haven’t talked about it much on this blog yet, but I can be a big revolutionary history nerd, and most French Revolution movies unfortunately leave me cold because they just don’t understand how radical the event was, or don’t work to portray it intersectionally. But this! Joseph was incredible and an artist on an arc. Joseph’s mother Nanon was EVEN MORE INCREDIBLE. Marie-Joséphine was tragic and her husband did not give a fuck how unsubtle he was being with those cannons. Madame de Genlis must have an amazing AO3 page. Philippe Égalité was running some sort of mutual aid society and his hipster last name was thrown in there LIKE THE MOST DELIGHTFUL EASTER EGG. (Also an Easter egg: when they mentioned Brissot and Paine.) And Marie-Antoinette? Wow did I enjoy her portrayal in this film. Like she was absolutely an antagonist, and they did not infantilize her or make sad apologia for her. She was fully aware of her own power and would use it to have a little fun, but ultimately she was using her power to keep her power, and did not care how racist it made her. But as Nanon says—we always have the choice to fight. 100/100 fuck the monarchy vibes, would watch again.

What have you been watching/reading/enjoying? Any thoughts on what I should check out next?

comments